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"$250 for a meet and greet? You better get to suck their dick or something"
-my mom

cyanicle:

friend: sorry about the mess!

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me: sorry about the mess!

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normal person:  "well, that was a sad ending" turns tv off
me:  sobs, slams head against wall, rewatches scene 25 times, talks about how sad it was for the next 6 months

shslequius:

"Maybe if you go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning" is literally just the human version of "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

gaius-cassius-longinus:

fun prank; tell women they’re only good for romance, sex, and having children. and then laugh at them for wanting romance, shame them for having sex, and act like they have to give up all facets of their personalities if they become mothers

manda:

i love you so much

so i blocked your phone number, gave up on the love we once had and watched you love someone else.

and even though i know i am so useless and depressed without you i am so much better off without you.

"I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say ‘come here, it’s been too long, it felt like home with you.’"
-Azra.T, My Heart is Full of Open Windows
"how stupid of me; to think I was the only flower in your garden."
-6 a.m. thoughts 
"I’m not drunk I’m chillin"
-me when I’m drunk